That Small Flower Above Your Hand
by dahliadenoire
Summary: Oneshot. Makoto/Haruka. There's always this boy who stands in front of the hydrangea shrub in the park, but only appears on rainy days.


He felt like slipping to a dream, sleepwalking through a city of endless rain, deep in thought then snapped, there was nothing left but June. The wind sung calmly to the rain, but somehow agitatedly. Not sure whether the beads of water flowing down from his aching temples were sweat or rain, Tachibana Makoto wiped the source of uneasiness with the sleeve of his jacket, just as damp as his sun-kissed skin that proved nothing under the umbrella and under the rain. Every day he would pass by that certain park before going home. There weren't a lot of people and the area was the cleanest he could find in the city. In one side of the park was a garden, where a lonely bush of light violet hydrangeas cried. Among the rustling bushes, trees and everything else green, Makoto had only a second to take it in, that there was someone who didn't fit quite right in. Then a flicker of light and thunder, a joust towards an inevitable heartache, he stopped and decided to waste his time.

Despite the dark, they found each other.

And he asked solemnly, "Are you going somewhere?"

The ethereal mirage of a boy flowed like a stream when he flinched, noting his sudden, unwanted deliverance from the downpour. And Makoto noticed it but even so held the umbrella above the two bodies for dryness. Turning around, saying words from his eyes rather than his mouth, responded with a cold, cold glare. But he heard his voice, still, then he heard the rain again. He felt like counting stars when he was being stared at with violent waves of blue.

* * *

_That Small Flower Above Your Hand_

* * *

"You shouldn't be standing under the rain like this," Makoto said this so tenderly as if the other was glaring lovingly at his tall figure.

Pale blue, then a chilly breeze, he breathed out a constellation of stars when he saw the taller man's back wasn't being spared by the umbrella. He was such a selfless man, he thought.

"You should think about yourself more," the man with damp black hair finally spoke—raspy, low, and rather dark. "And stop caring about other people."

Makoto was honestly surprised he saw right through him. While Makoto's uniform was wet because of other people's umbrellas and the drippings from roofs and trees, the one he was shielding with his umbrella was completely soaked to the bone, courtesy of the raw downpour, and nothing else.

"My name is Tachibana Makoto."

Rain. And more rain. A faint thunder in the distance. The sounds of people's footsteps from behind. He was there to waste time. Makoto wasn't the kind of person to simply leave a person under the rain.

"I'm Nanase… Haruka."

* * *

When Makoto met Haruka for the second time, nothing changed. The young man was still there standing in front of the lone shrub of hydrangea that was almost as tall as his short stature, without an umbrella, his light blue jacket seemingly darker and just as wet as the previous day.

"Do you always forget your umbrella or do you like getting sick so much?"

Instead of turning around to face Makoto, Haruka tipped his head up to an exact angle, enough to see the other man's gentle smiling face, the gray sky and falling needles of water as his backdrop.

His eyes focused back on the lilac-colored hydrangeas.

"I don't get sick just from this."

Patting the cement that was slowly mixing with soil and rainwater, the rain somehow weakened as Makoto watched a bundle of hydrangea flowers fall to the puddles of the ground, as if trying to follow the rain's wavelength. He bent down to pick it up without forgetting to protect Haruka from the rain.

"Nanase-san must like these flowers so much." He held the exiled flowers in his palm, it was wet and slightly brown, but he held it intimately.

Makoto was mistaken but Haruka acted as if he was right. He looked to his side, replying carefully, "Not really."

"There used to be a lot of these flowers in my hometown. I liked watching them bloom and picking them up. I'd sometimes bring some to my mom, or my siblings."

Makoto didn't expect a response. It was eerie that Haruka fell silent as if something was wrong. He didn't notice Haruka eyeing his uniform as well as the school logo on his left chest.

"University, huh. Don't you have school?"

Surprised, Makoto's face lighted up with interest, his eyes widening and sparkling at Haruka, who seemed to have noticed his startled expression.

"N-No. It's not that…" Makoto breathed out a happy sigh through his mouth's smile. "My class finishes at this hour. I get to go home early."

"Is that so."

A comfortable silence came in between before Makoto asked in return, "What about you? What university do you go to?"

"I…" His voice was frail and low. "…wanted to go to the same university you're in."

"_Kaiyodai_? It's a maritime university. Do you like water, too? I'm taking Ocean Sciences!" If it were possible, Makoto's eyes lighted up so much brighter than seconds ago, contrasting the gloomy surroundings. He sounded so happy to have similar interests with Haruka.

But Haruka's face showed otherwise. "_Ocean_… Sciences?"

Makoto saw the confusion in Haruka's eyes and might have read his mind a little. "Yeah. I don't look like someone who'd be in that kind of field, huh?"

"It's not—never mind." Haruka decided to let it slide and it was Makoto's turn to look confused. Haruka focused on the puddled ground beneath him with its silver ripples growing and disappearing. "Aren't you afraid of the ocean? Something so vast and bottomless?"

He smiled, happy that Haruka was talking more. "No. Not really. Are you?"

"I love the water." He stopped and closed his eyes. "I love the ocean. When I'm in it I feel safer than in any other place in the world."

"If you love the ocean so much, why do you stay here in Tokyo? You look like someone who'd enjoy Kamogawa. It's a train ride away."

Haruka didn't reply as soon as Makoto stopped talking. He looked up to the cascading rain clouds only to see the interior of Makoto's green umbrella. "Here, it rains a lot. It's the closest thing to water I can find. It's still water from the ocean, right?"

He stayed still and let his thoughts flow out with the torrent.

"Besides, I can't just go anywhere I want to go."

"Do you ever thought of leaving?"

"No. I want to stay here."

* * *

"That would be 600 yen."

Makoto looked forward to the rain. When it stopped raining for two straight days, he hadn't been able to meet the mysterious Haruka by the shrubs of hydrangea. He had come to an assumption that Haruka never went out unless it was raining, remembering his affinity with water.

So, when it rained on the third day, Haruka realized he had forgotten that kindness was free. Makoto's kindness was a different kind of free, though.

"You didn't have to."

"Oh, no. I insist."

Haruka scrutinized the blue umbrella in his hands and frowned upon it like how the clouds frowned upon them.

"Don't forget to bring it with you, okay?"

Haruka seemed displeased by his compassion. "You're way too nice."

"People tell me that often." He laughed. Somehow Haruka's irritation disappeared when he laughed. He wanted him to laugh more. It sounded so contrastingly lovely alongside the morose park. Makoto wanted to sit in one of the pavilions, worried that Haruka might be tired from all that standing. And he agreed, with the condition of staying close to the hydrangeas.

"You always pass by here, don't you."

"Ever since the first day of school, yeah." Makoto shook his head like a puppy to dry his brown hair. "Hey, Haruka," he said, turning to Haruka's direction. "I don't see you on sunny days. Why's that?"

"I only come out on rainy days."

"Because of water?"

A midstream pause. A weak gust of wind. "Yes."

After a while, Haruka stood up.

"It's getting dark."

Makoto's happiness died out when Haruka said those words. Was he trying to get rid of him? He said sullenly, "If I leave, will we… see each other again?"

"If it rains tomorrow, I promise I'll be here."

* * *

Haruka thought that if he saw Makoto every day, everything would be perfectly fine. June was at the point of fading away and it scared him. Whenever he was there he seemed to always suck the color out of the sky and thus force the clouds to rain. Maybe that was why it had been raining for two consecutive weeks.

"Haruka!" Makoto called out happily despite the miserable landscape of rain mixed with the unsightliness of Tokyo, happy to see Haruka using the blue umbrella each time.

Haruka thought it would be selfish of him to take Makoto for granted every time. But he couldn't help it. Makoto spoke to him like a child, sometimes like a brother, sometimes like a friend, sometimes even more than a friend.

"_I want to s_..."

"Hm?" Makoto thought he heard something from Haruka.

Haruka looked to the opposite direction. "Nothing."

Instead of the pavilion, they were back by the shrub of hydrangeas. Makoto didn't mind. He had noticed Haruka preferred to stand up more than he wanted to sit. Haruka looked troubled and Makoto could tell. He didn't know how exactly. But he felt like he could see right through him, especially when his eyes meet up with his. Haruka was like a book. And he was Makoto's favorite book.

"You look troubled." Makoto bent down to touch a blooming, purple hydrangea flower, letting the weight of his green umbrella rest on his shoulder. He didn't know what could trouble Haruka. He wasn't in college. He didn't have a job. He knew nothing of his background. But Makoto couldn't help but feel he knew Haruka so well just by looking at him.

Haruka was strangely quiet. He was quiet ever since they met. But he was never this quiet. Despite it, he was twice as beautiful as Makoto had imagined him to be. So he plucked the small bouquet of light blue-violet hydrangeas and tucked it behind Haruka's ear.

"What…" Haruka was too frozen to react properly, or even talk back properly. He just had his starlit eyes wide, brimming with surprise. Makoto had the warmest, most gentle green eyes Haruka had ever seen, and he smiled to wonderfully, too. He missed them. He missed everything about him.

And with that same smile, Makoto chimed with a voice just as gentle, "I'm glad I got to see Haru again today."

With just those words, Haruka was clothed with nothing but guilt and regret and his knees wobbled, and his mouth quivered. Makoto got even more worried when Haruka touched his hand that held the flowers, grasped it as if it was life itself. And the only thing Makoto could think about was how cold his hand was.

"Haru…" He had no idea what to do. Makoto panicked because he couldn't read him.

"I… I need to tell you something…!"

Makoto couldn't tell. And it frightened him that he couldn't tell what Haruka was thinking. He was shaking, but he wasn't shaking because of the cold. _His_ hands were abnormally cold. His lips appeared like it was trying to say something. But what struck him most was that Haruka looked like he was going to cry. He had never seen Haruka show such emotions before. He had seen his eyes glisten, but not like that, not like it was on the brink of tears. He couldn't tell if it was because of the rain or sweat. All he knew was that he couldn't bear seeing it any longer.

"Makoto," Haruka breathed out. It was all he could manage to say. Makoto had closed the space between them and his strong arms wrapped around his slimmer waist. He might've forgotten he was a head taller that Haruka's face was practically buried onto his chest.

Haruka could hear his heartbeat. It was abnormally fast. But so was his.

"You're cold."

"You're just too warm."

They stayed like that. Heavy rain obscured them from the view. Two umbrellas neglected on the wet ground. There was this invisible cement that made them hard to part. Because the fact that they can't made it so mystifying. It was as if they had known each other for so long. It was as if a man who had embraced his wife after years and years of separation. Why was it to natural to embrace Makoto? Why was it so easy and perfect and just wonderful to embrace Haruka?

_So this time_, Haruka hugged back.

It had felt so natural that Makoto rested his chin on top of Haruka's damp head and continued on their conversations like that.

"Makoto," Haruka spoke, hiding his face in Makoto's neck, his voice being muffled by the loud drops of rain. He asked suddenly, "What was your favorite memory from your childhood?"

"Mmm, I don't remember much from my childhood and the years after that. I have really bad memory, you see." He laughed softly, but Haruka could feel his throat vibrate while he spoke.

"I remember my childhood. It's too late for me now, but I wish I could've been free. Free from my emotions. I wish I was able to convey my feelings more."

"But if you had only one wish, what would it be?"

"Then, do you believe in reincarnation?"

Makoto groaned, thinking. "I guess so. Why? Does Haru want to reincarnate into someone else?"

"Un." He nodded honestly.

"I like Haru-chan the way he is right now." Makoto chuckled. "If I had a wish, I wish it would rain forever. So I can be with Haru every day."

They looked like they swam across an ocean with how soaked they were. But it didn't matter that their clothes were getting heavy, that the rain was getting stronger, or that the wind was getting colder. To Makoto, nothing mattered, except for the young man wrapped around his arms.

* * *

_Shinagawa. Shinagawa Station. Thank you for riding with..._

Standing on the dry platform, Makoto realized that he was starting to hate something he used to look forward to every day; the sun. And he realized how much he wanted for it to rain day after day, how he wished it would rain after school in case it wouldn't in the morning. The rainy season was over and it had been sunny for three days. He missed Haruka. He wanted to see him.

Haruka was true to his name. He was distant. And he existed somewhere Makoto would have never thought he existed. He was close to him by proximity. He could touch him. He was cold and small and fragile. To Makoto, Haruka represented the memories he wanted to have, the water that keeps on flowing endlessly and gracefully. He was the hydrangea that he passed by every day after school, the flower he liked holding above his hand.

So, on the day Makoto least expected it. Everything came crashing down on him.

Although it wasn't raining when he got ready for school, the sun hid behind gray clouds that not a single ray of light came through. Most people would curse the weather but Makoto looked forward to the afternoon. Rain meant having to meet with Haruka, and that was the only thing important for him.

His friend from his high school swim club called him up just before he got out of the house, inviting him to eat breakfast with the other members.

"_Mako-chan! Rin-chan and Rei-chan are already here! Hurry up!_" Nagisa, a friend younger than him shouted from the other line. Makoto apologized for being late before closing his apple green phone.

As soon as he arrived to the meeting place, a simple fast food chain located downtown, Makoto failed to spot the three guys he was supposed to meet and instead overheard Nagisa's loud voice from afar and decided to follow it.

"If Haru-chan was here, he would probably…"

"What about Haru?"

"Makoto-senpai…!" Both Rin and Rei had the most bewildered face Makoto had ever seen when they heard him ask. And it confused and scared him somehow. Nagisa stopped talking and his usual bubbly face turned into something serious. His heart started beating faster out of the blue, as if there was this dark foreboding slowly looming in on him.

Matsuoka Rin asked, slowly and with wide eyes, "You… know Haru?"

Makoto didn't like Rin's ominous tone one bit. "Haru. Nanase Haruka, right? How do you know him?"

"You're not… Wait, _wait_. Wait a damn second. You didn't tell _us_?"

Makoto looked offended and his brows furrowed. He valued his friends more than anything. He wouldn't keep things from them unless it was irrelevant. Haruka was just one of those irrelevant things, only to his friends at least. "It's not really something you guys should really know. I met him a few weeks ago."

"Just… met?" Rei said in almost in a whispering voice.

"A few… weeks ago?"

Makoto was getting nervous. The sudden change of atmosphere made it look like they were making fun of him. "At the park. The one I always pass by after I get down from the station." The three looked at each other with apprehensive looks. "This isn't funny guys. Stop making a joke out of this."

"Makoto." Rin stood up. That was when Makoto knew he was serious. "There's something you should know."

* * *

_Please stay behind the yellow line for your safety._

The rain came in a little too early. Makoto watched as his train stopped and leave soon after, hearing the screeching of the rails against the hard rain. He couldn't get himself to get on. He couldn't bring himself to go to school. Not after what Rin had told him. It didn't even take a second before Makoto's eyes blurred with tears until he could no longer see what was in front of him. He wished and wished that it was just a storm that would pass, but it wasn't.

Everything. He remembered everything.

So he ran. He ran away. Away from the station, through the painful pricks of rain. He didn't care whether he had an umbrella, or whether he would get soaked again. He ran to the park. To the hydrangeas. To Haruka.

And to his shock, Haruka was there, with his blue umbrella.

Scared, his footsteps slowed down as he approached him but Haruka turned around first just as the wind blew right through him. He had a faint smile when he saw Makoto, while the other couldn't even bring himself to look at Haruka.

"Haru." His voice cracked and Haruka knew something was wrong. "Haru, _Haru_…" Makoto kept saying over and over again until his voice broke down into pathetic sobs and whimpers. And that was when Haruka really knew what was wrong.

"Makoto?" There was no answer this time. Haruka was the one who approached this time and held his shoulder. "Makoto..."

"Are you... real?"

"I'm sorry."

Makoto couldn't bear his cold touch and slapped it away. Haruka looked almost horrified that he himself started tearing up. Looking at Makoto like that, crying and soaked, unable to speak, voice breaking, hands shaking, breaths erratic.

"I'm sorry," Haruka said again.

"Why didn't I know? Why did I forget…?" He was stumbling after Haruka but he felt his knees weaken and fell down. Haruka wanted to catch him but he was too late. "Why do you feel so real?" His face wrenched into shapes of desperation, of grief, anger, Haruka couldn't do anything as whatever he did urged Makoto to break down and cry harder.

In the short moment when he gasped for breath, Haruka finally tried to calm him down by folding his arms around him, memories racing back and forth—their childhood, swimming together throughout high school, winning relays. Old wounds opened violently and Makoto couldn't take it.

"You lost your memories," Haruka muttered. "I'm sorry. It was my fault."

On that day when Haruka died in an accident, it affected Makoto more than anyone, more than anything. That terrifying phone call. That frantic drive to the hospital outside of town. It was raining that night. The breaking point was seeing Haruka's body completely hidden under a stained white sheet, motionless. He might've gone crazy during that time. He wasn't sure but his brain and heart reacted to the most extreme degree, enough to erase whatever was killing him inside—and that was Haruka. So when Makoto remembered everything to the starting point of their friendship to the last moments of their relationship, he wanted to rip the scabs off his old wounds. Because they wanted to go to the same university, live in the same city, study the same course, and be together. They had it planned out. Haruka was ready to move. His bags were packed. His papers were all signed. Then it happened.

"…_I'm sorry…"_

"…_the internal hemorrhaging was far too…"_

"…_Makoto, calm down, please…"_

"…_I'm sorry…"_

"…_We tried…"_

We tried.

_We tried. _

_I'm sorry. _

Wetried_._

He stopped breathing and struggled for air as he clawed his hands across his chest as if trying to rip his heart out. "Why… Haru, I… I wanted to swim with y… I wanted to be with you!" Makoto managed to say this between gasps for breath. It was almost incomprehensible. His throat stung when he tried to speak. "I wanted... I wanted... forever... with you!" He gasped between huffs of whimpers and tears.

Haruka pushed his forehead onto Makoto's wet tresses of brown hair and wrapped his arms around Makoto's fetal figure. As they both knelt down on the flooded pavement, as the rain became more of a storm, Haruka, with his frigidness tried to be as warm as he could. "You know, I wanted to be reincarnated as hydrangeas, so you could hold me with your warm hands. Just like you used to hold me, just like you used to hold my hand. So you could pick me up when I fall. Just like before." He stopped when Makoto gasped in a large amount of air and looked at him with puffy eyes.

"Haru… _Haruka_…" His voice turned to whimpers and high-pitched cries and Makoto wasn't sure whether the Haruka in front of him was real, an apparition, an angel, or just his imagination. Because he knew he would go crazy. Losing Haruka would make him lose his mind and he knew it. He cried because he knew he had already lost Haruka—for a long time now. Now that reality slapped him hard in the face just as the water slapped him hard on his back, he didn't know how he would manage to stay sane.

"I hated the umbrella Makoto bought me. Because I wanted you to share yours always. With me. Just _me_. Under the rain. And I hated that I didn't get the chance to be with you forever just like we've planned."

"H-Haru…" Makoto's limbs wobbled as he tried—tried to move, tried to do anything. His head rung with the painful sounds of rain hitting the ground and Haruka's voice that sounded way too real. How could Haruka be dead when he was right there, embracing him, talking to him? His presence was real, his touch was real, his voice was real. It was cold, but it was real.

"And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I had to come back in your life just when you're moving along so perfectly."

"..." Makoto had completely lost the ability to speak, even though he wanted to say so many things.

"But I'm happy," Haruka's voice broke and his eyes watered. "I'm so glad that you're living the life you wanted. That you're happy. I'm so relieved to find you studying so hard and living so wonderfully. Even without me. I wanted to do everything in the world with you. For you. I appreciate it. _Everything_. So, please, Makoto, I—"

Then he was gone.

"H-Ha...Haru...?"

His cold forehead, his cold fingers, his cold breaths, his cold everything—_gone_.

Bearing the faint August rain, he knew Haruka had already disappeared, like water running down from the fissures of his fingers. An inevitable heartache. Makoto remained a frantic, broken man under the rain, nearly falling on his face, his hands clutching at nothing but water, hoping somehow Haruka would stop the shaking of his fists. Haruka never came back. And his trembling never stopped until Rin and the others found him.

He wished he would still be there the next day, but the day came too soon and he wasn't there. Twenty-four hours more. Every day, every afternoon, every night, Makoto would come. The rain never came. And so Haruka never came. And even when it rained, he never showed. Makoto tried day after day after day, on the same spot, same park, on the same lonely hydrangea bush. He wanted to recapture everything back and he cried because Haruka was gone, and he could never see the stars in his eyes again, or swim with him like he used to, or feel his pale, damp skin, or his slim, frigid hands—never again. Never.

And he felt it all over again. The same pain he felt when he got that telephone call one rainy night. The exact same clawing at his heart when he arrived at the hospital. The pain when he realized it was too late. The emptiness, the grief, the heartache. The waves he used to fear crashed down upon the brokenness of his very being, shattering his every bone, tearing his heart out.

There was nothing left. Nothing except the remnants of Haruka's unspoken words.

The rain enveloped him like a noose around his neck, suffocating him.

So he cried, while his blinding, desperate green eyes traveled ahead, towards the view of crying hydrangeas.

Haruka wasn't there.

Just a forgotten blue umbrella.

* * *

**A/N: I wanted to get this out of my head! I'm sorry! Inspired by Garden of Words movie, the song Above Your Hand by Annabel, and Tom's Midnight Garden.**

**I think it's sadder if you re-read this knowing Haruka is, well, you know, dead.**_**  
**_

**Above Your Hand plus Rainy Mood words wonders with this.**

**I'm sorry I made this. I really want it to be sad as fuck. I don't t****hink I've made it that sad, though.**_**  
**_

**Shut up okay it's pathetic enough that I'm crying over my own fic ;_;**

**EDIT: Rewrote some scenes.**


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